Let the sky fall
When it crumbles
We will stand tall
Face it all together
The textbook answer is that you’re an adult when you make your own decisions after weighing each consequence. That’s a textbook answer and isn’t relevant to life, or at least mine anyway. Based on my friends, growing up is when you finally find that person you love or when you finally realize that you’re in the right major and on the right path. Unfortunately, for me, that wasn’t the case. I grew up because I realized I hated myself.
I feel worthless and inferior. I feel ugly and unimportant. I feel like a major disappointment to my friends and family. I don’t feel happiness anymore, just emptiness. I failed an organic chemistry exam and I felt like a loser. I changed majors and I still feel inferior to everyone. I feel like my friends are only there for me because they feel like they have and they don’t want to be mean. I couldn’t deal with everything. I felt defeated and useless. I couldn’t breathe because I was drowning. I was alive yes, but I wasn’t living. I turned to the worst option. I started self harming myself because why not. I needed to be punished for failing, for not making an A on that exam, for switching majors, for not studying enough, for eating unhealthy. It wasn’t supposed to continue.
I got caught up in it. The thought would come into my head and it would stay there until I did it. It became habit. People asked me what happened to my hands. I would give vague answers and brush it off. My family and friends begged me to stop. I said I would, and I did. For awhile. The time would pass and I was back at it. I have words carved in my legs now. I still haven’t stopped, but I know I need to. The urge disappears for longer periods of time now and it doesn’t help the way it used to. My scars are healing, yes, but some sick part of me hopes that they never fully heal and that they’ll always be there to remind me that it was my fault and that I deserved it all.
Things are getting better though. I can breathe and sometimes, I don’t feel so alone. I’m still struggle every day and it’s hard, but I know it’s worth it.
I felt empty and therefore, I was in pain. I know, I know. What is so awful in my life, right? I don’t really have an answer. It just happened and I was scared. People were concerned that I wanted to die, and honestly, I did. Not a day would go by where I didn’t think about it. But guess what. I’m here and I’m not planning on going out that way. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to others. I know I’ve changed a lot and that it’s a drag to be friends with me right now, but give me some time. I’m sorry for all the pain I put everyone through and I’m sorry for my reblogs too. I was just really lost and I felt like no one could help me. I thought this was something I had to do alone. I was dead wrong and I’m glad. There might be times when I’m distant and cold, but I don’t mean to be. I just know it’s a tough road ahead, and I don’t want others to suffer at my expense.
I don’t know why I’m posting this on here. Maybe I just needed to get it all done and typing is way easier than writing. Or I don’t even know. But, I guess if anything take this message:
Scars heal, so you will too and even the broken can be fixed.